Turner Classic Film Fest '011 (and, how to survive travel to LA)

I'm doing this entry as a sort of traveler's companion, because, you know, everyone's doing that now. And because maybe I can offer advice to you East Coasters who may be needing to make a pilgrimage to LA for the first time - by learning from my painful ordeal.

But let's talk about the Festival. Cannot fault the movies at all. What is there to criticize about Citizen Kane and Taxi Driver restored on the classic Grauman's Chinese Theater? Not to mention La Dolce Vita in the cheesy Mann's multiplex with Grauman-esque "Chinese font" decor everywhere? Absolutely nothing. I was unable to attend Roger Corman's Q and A for Little Shop Of Horrors because I arrived late, e.g. less than four hours to get from LAX to my motel in Van Nuys and then Hollywood on a Friday afternoon. This scared me off of seeing Fantasia on Sunday, assuming it would run too late, and of course traffic isn't nearly that bad then. But I was told that it would be. Thanks a lot, cute girl from San Francisco! That would have been a special experience, no doubt.
The seminar by Kevin Brownlow would have been interesting, but admission required a $225 MINIMUM pass - these passes give you priority admission to all shows and to special speakers and seminars. And I did try to see Cabin In The Sky, but the disorganization of the festival was apparent at this point. The very simple act of selling tickets to a movie is apparently confusing to some of these volunteers (NOT all - the staff at the Citizen Kane screening were great). I particularly liked how we were ordered at one point to reverse the line we were standing in. You read that correctly. At least they were polite, with the exception of one guy in the multiplex - fine, must have been a long night. The opening night concert by Vince Giordano was cute, but better accompanied by a date equally schooled in swing dance...
Basically, I can't make a recommendation one way or the other. There's lots of good to this festival and a whole lotta bad. The Boulevard is a horrible gaudy money sucking tourist trap, like Times Square on crack (as were many of the people wandering around). But the show itself is delightful. I don't know, check your wallet and your sincere love for the movie greats, and try it!

Speaking of checking your wallets, here's where I offer my experiences of coast to coast travel:
First, you gotta get to the airport. This is sort of self-aggrandizing, but I work with a website called www.airportparkingreservations.com, where you can save a bundle on parking at any major airport. If you're suburban like me and you need to take the train to the city, be advised I am not aware of any discounts for commuter parking and it's a ripoff long term. Best to call a cab (but account for LOTS of time for them to arrive). As for packing, if you're bringing electronic devices, bring a charger, dummy. (Oh, I can't be the only one that's happened to.) And bring warm clothes for the night - no, I didn't know about that.
Make sure your case is big enough to carry on board! If you don't know, keep a satchel for your important papers, or you'll look like a loser carrying your stuff in your hands. Speaking of which, don't put your boarding pass in that bin they push through the scanner - that annoys the security guards. (Maybe recent developments will allow TSA to loosen up a little? Maybe?) If you have to fly coach, fly coach. Just not redeye. My Airtran midnight flight back was sheer torture - I mean, do they design those seats to be uncomfortable because they hate the "cheapskates" in the back rows? The bathroom was filthy and the attendants hung out in the back chatting LOUDLY as I was clearly rolled up trying to SLEEP, after ignoring my request for water and NOT pretzels. BUT, the Airtran connector out of Milwaukee was a "business coach" flight - the seating was comfortable and the staff seemed together enough. Could this have to do with when the flight was taking off? Some customers are more valued than others?
And when staying in LA, don't get the cheap room. (That would be $50 a night.) As I type this, I'm still getting over a hard cough I picked up from what must be a hot sheets hotel - the kind where they don't change your towels or discolored sheets until you check out. This was in Van Nuys - if you want to party in Hollywood and take a cab you'll get robbed. Point is, spend $75 and get a clean room with service on the same planet as where you're going to be. LA is HUGE, and you do need a rental car. Simple enough - I paid $30 for the entire weekend via Hotwire and got a beautiful Nissan with amazing gas mileage, which again, you need.
There's lots of great food in LA - a real foodie paradise. My favorite breakfast was at the Farmer's Market, where I managed to arouse my burned out spirits with fruit smoothies and a croissant. But if you like to eat it they got it (but get your parking validated!!!), including an outrageously cool hot sauce joint called Light My Fire. Friend them on Facebook! Last time I was in LA I ate at the Pantry downtown which is more of a traditional "greasy spoon" diner, but the French toast was heavenly. There's also a wonderful donut shop in Westwood. I didn't get a chance to try Roscoe's which I hear is good.
After breakfast there's Filipino and Mexican joints around Vermont and Sunset, Thai places everywhere, and the legendary In 'N Out. I've been accused of having an immature sense of humor, but come on - am I the only person giggling over the fact that a bunch of Christian conservatives opened a burger joint and called it In 'N Out? Anyway, they took the proselytizing and scripture off the burger wrappers and stuff, and their "double trouble" - er, sorry, Double-Double is a messy monstrosity and I loved it. And the service is shockingly good - a kid standing outside taking orders instead of a vast touchscreen? That is exemplary service. Maybe these kids when the they graduate should consider careers in the travel industry. Just a thought.
Westwood and Little Ethiopia are full of cute little snack shops, and Venice is the place to go for organic tea shops and pretentious snacks. Again, I couldn't find Two Boots on time (did I mention how big LA is?)
I'd like to provide a safety warning - my last meal there almost killed me. Literally. ETA This was four days ago - I STILL have cramping and am very sick (I don't want to draw a picture...let's see, "When you're sliding into third, and you gotta squeeze a - ") Plus I had a fever, which could be attributed to the hotel room or sleep deprivation too. This would be painful at home, but combined with the rigors of traveling for 17 hours? That is a nightmare, and if it happens to you call 213-240-7821 and file a complaint. We are trying to pinpoint the exact location of where it happened at this time.
Sorry about the downbeat ending - that's just what happened to me. LA is an extreme place - the richest power players, the most dangerous neighborhoods, the wildest night life and the most diverse low culture. Whatever your indulgence is, it will do more than feed it, it will jam it into your face until you yell "basta"! If you can handle it, have a good time!

If religion is an opiate...

...then literature is like cannabis. A novel (or for that matter, a great movie or play) is a thick spliff that sends you into the realm of imagination, totally and completely, for a couple hours at a time. It opens the portals, man, and it sends you back to reality just a little bit different. A great story is like a great joint.
An online game is like a crack pipe. Why do you think they call it "World of War-crack"? Would it's fans be "World of War-crackheads"? I'm not militantly against video games - some of them do stimulate the memory and teach online skills - but I've seen things in the online game world lately that has disturbed me a lot, things I can't talk about here. Video games and porn are mostly designed to make you a little bit dumber and less socially competent and able to think critically or question the world around you. It's designed to reduce you to a helpless consumer wanting only more stimulation and more product. It's not a coincidence video games and porn are being scrutinized by addiction treatment professionals in greater numbers and their users are forced to seek help because of the damage to their lives these activities cause. Just like crack.
There's no ulterior motive to this post, I just thought it needed be said.

What Iron Chef can teach us about writing

(Disclaimer: I wrote the below before interest from LA started to manifest itself, so forgive the negative tone in some spots. It's how we all feel at some point, so I'm not editing it for now.)

I've been thinking about my own conflicts of writing daring artistic endeavors vs. writing silly popcorn ventures that will make me rich. It's something every artist fights over internally at one point in their life, despite how overconfident young writers are acting nowadays. Studying the craft is a key point, and some compare it to being a "doctor" in that you have to study the craft etc. etc., which is ridiculous. No one will die from reading your sorry excuse for a screenplay. They may wish they were dead, but I have a more accurate simile.
A gourmet chef.
Now, being a big fat lardass, I have a fascination with shows like Iron Chef, No Reservations, and the like (I draw the line at Gordon Ramsey, BTW). They're rule breakers and lovemakers, they're artists who defy the expectations of what you think a meal should be and they demand only the best in life as a result.
Well, before they get that far, they have to learn how to boil pasta or rice. They have to know how to bake bread. They have to either go to school for 4 years and study or get menial work in the kitchen. They have to wash dishes, cut potatoes and take out the garbage for years and years regardless until they get a lucky break and can claim a stove of their own. All to endure long hours, ALL nights and weekends, standing in a sweltering hot boiler room of brutish manly yelling and bullying in the name of "bonding" or "improving your craft". So that one day, they can make a business deal to get their own place cooking food their way, in a sweltering hot room with no windows until they're too old to cook anymore. Which is a decision to be made for them, of course, against their will.
At least as a writer, I get to sit down. But the choices are clear - either keep banging my head against the spec market wall until I fall down, because I've already crossed the "too old and fat to sell" line, or go broke filming the damn thing myself and showing it to pretentious dweebs at film festivals. There's also the reading option, dispensing useless advice to the young scribes who haven't learned how to prepare the proverbial sandwich, for money.
But like a dishwasher who has great ideas for how to reboot his favorite Cajun dishes, we are driven to keep trying whenever we imagine how much joy you're going to bring to the crowds who fill up your hole in the wall in NYC or LA one day. How they're going to remember your weird but enlightened spirit. How tasty your work is!

Grading The Movies, 2010 Edition

Let's get down to grading these papers - everything I actually got to see on a big screen (some via a Blu-Ray projector, which will have to count from now on) in order of my preference, with scholastic grading applied. There's still a few days between Boxing Day and New Year's Day to see True Grit and a couple other movies that are playing so this stands a chance of getting revised over the course of the week. So this list will go up at DVDTalk and OKCupid when that happens, and I welcome any twitter followers as well!

MOVIE OF THE YEAR: Inception
HONORABLE MENTION: Nine (2009)
RUNNER UP(S): The Millenium Trilogy (Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Girl Who Played With Fire, Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest)

Machete
Shutter Island (2009)
Micmacs
Harry Brown
Black Swan
Red
Never Let Me Go
Ou Est La Main
Sherlock Holmes
Inside Job
Life During Wartime
The American
The Tempest
City Of Your Final Destination
The Agony And The Ecstasy Of Phil Spector
The Ghost Writer
The Imaginarium Of Dr. Parnassus
L'empreinte De L'ange
Date Night
Catfish
Iron Man 2
Tron: Legacy
George A. Romero's Survival Of The Dead
Countdown To Zero
Avatar (2009)
Salt
City Island
The Expendables
The Lovely Bones
Freakonomics
Legion
Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland
The Room (an eternal Turkey)

BEST REVIVALS AND RESTORATIONS
Metropolis
Steve Shelley's Archives (Pink Floyd specifically)
The Third Man
Kid With The Golden Arm
Dirty Money
The Godfather
Dario Argento's Deep Red
Election
The Brood
Superfly
The Crazies (George Romero 1973 original)

What do you think?

The 2010 Short Oscars: Animated!

I got to see the Animated nominees a little earlier than I thought I would. As usual, fantastic storytelling and a wide palette ranging from nasty humor to dark melodrama is here. The 3D thing has almost completely overtaken the program, and good old fashioned cell animation or even Flash is seeming almost a thing of nostalgia these days. The blazing exception, and hands down my favorite, is "Logorama", a dizzying nightmare in rotoscope told entirely in corporate logos and mascots. Yes, you read that right. An urban nightmare and apocalyptic specter is rendered using a homicidal Ronald McDonald, lecherous Pringles characters, and the fall of planet Pepsi. Of course this is France's entry, as an American animator would be hung up by his packaging for making a movie like this, and it's our loss. I haven't seen animation this nasty and subversive since the coke damaged 80s era of "Ren And Stimpy" or "Jack Mac and Rad Boy", which is saying something.
On a completely different tip is the latest from Wallace And Gromit representing Britain in "A Matter Of Loaf And Death", involving true love for Wallace and Gromit too amidst a murder spree affecting bakers like our heroes. Even funnier is Spain's "The Lady And The Reaper", which turns a little old lady's acceptance of death into a Tex Avery-esque battle between the Grim Reaper and a vain surgeon. There are many other entries in the current program scoring Noteworthy status - whatever that means - including Canada's "Runaway", about a runaway train and the nebbish assistant driver who tries desperately to save the day. It's the other 2D entry and it's a beaut, simply drawn and full of great sight gags.

So that's both programs. Watch them online right now!
BTW Anyone want to explain why shorts are not shown before movies anymore but commercials are?

Short Subject Oscars 2010

This week is the Live Action subjects, and for those who saw last year's nominees, I can wholeheartedly say this year offers a vastly improved quintet of pieces. Hard to pick a winner out of this bunch, but for me it would be "The New Tenants". The one recognizable face is Vincent D'Onofrio, as a cuckolded husband and one of the many characters that pass through a gay couple's door in one fateful sequence of events. Sure it could be a one act play, but I'll take it on film too. I very much loved "Instead Of Abracadabra" as well, a hilarious story of a struggling magician trying to impress a girl, his conservative parents and local audiences at the same time. Very reminiscent of Wes Anderson in it's celebration of nerdy achievement and it's unremittingly cheerful outlook.
I'll be back soon with the Animated Program! ETA Watch all the shorts right now!

Ranking the Movies of 2009

It's that time of year again. Well, last year the time never occurred for personal reasons, so this year I'm back with a vengeance. A big shout out to any visitors from dvdtalk.com, and also to my tweet and Facebook followers, and friends from sites like Absolute Write. Welcome to my hole in the virtual wall.
As always, this is only theatrical films, ranked as I feel they should be. 2008 movies get a * marking. Drum roll and raise your pints, folks...

MOVIE OF THE YEAR: Moon
HONORABLE MENTION: Gran Torino (from 2008, but certainly at the top of either year's list)
SILVER: The Men Who Stare At Goats
BRONZE: A Serious Man
The Brothers Bloom
The Road
Inglorious Basterds
Broken Embraces
Soul Power
* The Dark Knight IMAX Experience
Let The Right One In
Gomorrah
The Hurt Locker
The Fantastic Mr Fox
Cold Souls
Watchmen
In The Loop
Food, Inc.
Angels And Demons
Nine (Tim Burton produced animation, will see the musical in 2010)
Antichrist
* The Wrestler
Tetro
Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans
A Perfect Getaway
Star Trek
Zombieland
2012
TURKEY OF THE YEAR: The Informant! / The Girlfriend Experience (Special mention tie. Steven Soderbergh, get with the program!)
DISHONORABLE MENTION: Frank Miller's The Spirit (another 2008 entry, but deserving of special warning to the curious)

And here are special events and revivals deserving of special praise or infamy. Support your local movie theater!

Mishima (with Paul Schrader)
El Topo (remastered and original Spanish with subtitles)
Near Dark
Monty Python's Life Of Brian
The Oscar Shorts Live Action and Animated
Alien
Jaws
All That Jazz
Todd Haynes' Safe
The Big Lebowski (with costume contest)
Barbarella
From Beyond (with screenwriter Dennis Paoli)
Piranha

And don't forget the Brooklyn Film Festival and Focus on French Cinema in Westchester, just a couple of great festivals that are coming back this year. And the greatest website of them all, netflix.com (Best Video of Hamden is pretty good, too ;) )

Hope next year is just as good!