Hi, I'm from Generation X. Remember us? Basically if you're mid 30s to around 50 (in 2013), you're one of us. That's right, Generation X just turned 50. Think about that for a second.
It's no surprise there was no celebration.
We were quite the rage for a while, after which we learned the hardest fact of life in a new millennium: no one gives a shit for very long about anything. And the irony is, that is entirely our fault. In fact, most of the horrors we are facing right now in the world are pretty much the result of our incompetency, indifference, lack of drive and lack of common sense. If we didn't do it, we were helpless to preventing it from happening.
America as a super power, for example. Europe is a little sister to us, loving but kind of embarrassed at their big dumb brother who doesn't even get why he can't hold a job (or a girlfriend). They are host to a number of former failed super powers - Spain, Holland, Italy, Germany and Russia - so it makes sense they'd be kind, as we are about to join that club. South Asia has crushed us with their work ethic and devotion to education, while we continue to play mall cop to the planet. Anyone feel they'll be as benevolent in victory? Me neither.
The internet is another example (ahem) and something we claim credit for. Bullshit.
The internet can be traced back almost to the "Greatest Generation" (Generation G?!), specifically 1968, when the military created Arpanet as a post-apocalyptic means to communicate. And it was released for public use by order of ultimate Generation G icon George Herbert Walker Bush! And then it was developed from a secret network to Net 0.1 by the nerdiest Baby Boom minds, led by Generation B geniuses such as Tim Berners-Lee, Bill Gates, Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs. (Al Gore was strangely absent. Good thing he decided to concentrate on environmental science instead!)
What did we contribute? Essentially we loaded it with porn, penny stock traders, stolen goods on eBay and Bit Torrent, ads for insurance, video game shoot 'em ups, and videos of pets doing tricks. And bugs like Stuxnet, which will do more to bring a real apocalypse than any zombie plague ever will. And more porn.
It was inevitable we'd screw things up. We were the first generation to come of age with a pass to slack off. So that was our name, the "slackers" - living in spare family rooms, watching TV and getting loaded. Because we came of age at a time when we had, as a nation, a wealth that will probably never be equalled in the world again. And like any good rich boy or girl, we mismanaged it. Our subsequent Gen-X leaders in government and finance and business, our best and brightest, crashed that ship and burned it and it's now a ruin on the bottom of the ocean, and we don't know how to build another one. But damn if we can't build a thousand apps to help you score with chicks.
So clearly, we are not coping with middle age and going gray well, because we wasted our prime utterly and completely. I am particularly sensitive to this as a single man, because once upon a time, men in their 40s were prized for our awareness of ourselves and what women need from their man. That's exactly not the case anymore, as any woman who seeks love online will tell you right off. Goodbye "Mad Men", hello cock selfies.
We like to say "60 is the new 40" and "You're as young as you feel", as if to reassure ourselves that we can still put together a 10th inning upset and accomplish something our millennial successors won't hate us for. The 1968 Mets would be amazed at a upset like that. (And if you get that reference, you're probably Gen-B.)
There are some who are bringing the world back to normal, and making an effort to make it better as if such a thing was possible. And once again, as it should be, it's the young people. Y and Millenial have brought us Occupy, Ted.com, a Mobile internet, 3D printing in your home, Maker Faires in every town, HD video production tools in every home, and the Criterion movie library streaming on demand. They're saying no to cars and fast food, having sex without marriage and kids (like, a lot) and demanding substantial changes to the way we think about our jobs and homes and bodies.
OK, we created the Criterion library in the first place. (Oh, how we love TV.) So maybe we don't completely suck. Besides, they brought us hipsters, twerking and Justin Bieber, so maybe they will screw up too.
Or maybe we'll have to settle for being #1 at that.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Saturday, October 5, 2013
What I've learned about our addiction to oil.
My latest class at edx.org which I've discussed here* is on Energy, and I'm happy to say it's going swimmingly. And may I say there is nothing like studying the facts, statistics and science of energy to make one go green as a tree. Here's something I learned today:
The USA and Saudi Arabia produce almost the same amount of oil.
Go ahead, let that sink in.
The USA produces 11,133,000+ barrels a day. Saudi Arabia leads us by 11,545,x?x barrels. A difference of 412,000+ barrels, or 94,000 more that Russia uses.
So gee, we should be doing awesome with our oil, right? But we're not. Why not?
We consume 18,554,0?0 barrels a day. That's more than ALL of Africa, South America and Australia. That's more than #2, #3 and #4 (Turkmenistan, Turkey and Syria) COMBINED. (15,700,000+)
Need more perspective? China consumes 7,000 barrels.
Seven. Thousand. Well, ever notice instead of traffic jams, they have roads packed with bicyclists? They need that oil to make your cheap plastic junk.
And how much did Saudi Arabia consume yesterday?
136,890 barrels.
Coming in clearer now? Good. And where, I bet you're wondering, is that difference in oil going? If you guessed gasoline, you get a cookie.
8,740,000+ barrels are refined into gas; 3,850,000 into diesel; a meager 1,430,000 into jet fuel. Significantly more than half of ALL the oil we consume - specifically, the is just for getting around. 2,700,000+ barrels are used to make plastics. A paltry 670,000+ barrels are used for heating our homes.
So what do we do? Walk to the mall? Buy electric cars? Demand the gas cars we can afford get much higher mileage than they do now?
How about all of the above? We don't need to do what the above countries have done to reduce driving - like, say, forbidding women to drive - when we have these tools at our disposal. Sure, we can also fly less, demand products that aren't throwaway plastic items, and solar panel our roofs. These are included in the "all of the above" policy.
As for me, I'm sure glad I took that other class, in bicycle maintenance.
*The SaaS class didn't do so hot. That's OK, I did better learning Ruby On Rails and Agile Management through lynda.com, StackOverflow and Youtube. Maybe I had a poor attitude? :D
Read all the facts here:
http://www.eia.gov/cfapps/ipdbproject/IEDIndex3.cfm?tid=50&pid=53&aid=1
The USA and Saudi Arabia produce almost the same amount of oil.
Go ahead, let that sink in.
The USA produces 11,133,000+ barrels a day. Saudi Arabia leads us by 11,545,x?x barrels. A difference of 412,000+ barrels, or 94,000 more that Russia uses.
So gee, we should be doing awesome with our oil, right? But we're not. Why not?
We consume 18,554,0?0 barrels a day. That's more than ALL of Africa, South America and Australia. That's more than #2, #3 and #4 (Turkmenistan, Turkey and Syria) COMBINED. (15,700,000+)
Need more perspective? China consumes 7,000 barrels.
Seven. Thousand. Well, ever notice instead of traffic jams, they have roads packed with bicyclists? They need that oil to make your cheap plastic junk.
And how much did Saudi Arabia consume yesterday?
136,890 barrels.
Coming in clearer now? Good. And where, I bet you're wondering, is that difference in oil going? If you guessed gasoline, you get a cookie.
8,740,000+ barrels are refined into gas; 3,850,000 into diesel; a meager 1,430,000 into jet fuel. Significantly more than half of ALL the oil we consume - specifically, the is just for getting around. 2,700,000+ barrels are used to make plastics. A paltry 670,000+ barrels are used for heating our homes.
So what do we do? Walk to the mall? Buy electric cars? Demand the gas cars we can afford get much higher mileage than they do now?
How about all of the above? We don't need to do what the above countries have done to reduce driving - like, say, forbidding women to drive - when we have these tools at our disposal. Sure, we can also fly less, demand products that aren't throwaway plastic items, and solar panel our roofs. These are included in the "all of the above" policy.
As for me, I'm sure glad I took that other class, in bicycle maintenance.
*The SaaS class didn't do so hot. That's OK, I did better learning Ruby On Rails and Agile Management through lynda.com, StackOverflow and Youtube. Maybe I had a poor attitude? :D
Read all the facts here:
http://www.eia.gov/cfapps/ipdbproject/IEDIndex3.cfm?tid=50&pid=53&aid=1
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Fat People in Their Underwear: A Critical Discourse
In case it wasn't obvious, I want to take shots at some more whimsical topics that in some way, shape, or form are important. So let's kick it off with a 3 point observation:
OK, so I knew to talk about the current trend of "fat shaming" and "size acceptance" that seems to be on everyone's mind, I would need to open up about me and something I don't like to talk about on the PERMANENT RECORD that is the internet, namely my sexuality. I deal, why can't you?
I desire, need and lust after women of all different sizes and shapes, be they fit or "curvy" or maybe the two extremes. So needless to say, I was delighted to learn through sheer research that Facebook and Pinterest have exploded with some feeds and blogs and whatever they're called showcasing all the different female sizes there are to admire. The links go to external sites, as I would rather not fish for traffic by posting racy pictures all over my blog. Besides, I expect my readers to be able to read a paragraph. /offtopic
And not only are there plenty of solo shots, there are plenty of couples shots, foreplay and afterplay, and shots of men of all different body types too.
Oops, actually, the last six words of that sentence are a lie. Every single one of the men showcases are ripped with six-pack abs and bulging chests and biceps and perfectly sculpted, pouty-lipped faces.
Now I'm confused. I thought this was about accepting all body shapes, of accepting that a person is great despite his body flaws and that those flaws are what makes us all special and incredible and - oh, I see. It's only WOMEN who get to feel loved and admirable no matter what, while men can only feel loved and admirable if they are perfect looking.
On these pages, there is a lot of venom towards skinny girls as well. Why don't we call these models 'minus-size' if these models have to be plus size, they lament in the discussion areas. Yes, I'm also baffled as to why plus implies a bad thing. And I'm troubled to see images of thin models being crossed out and defaced - a mark in the sand, a line one side is daring another side to cross. It's a scene I see constantly in the fight against racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, and all those related quests for equal rights for all. And it never ends well.
(They all have one thing in common - in any good conflict, there has to be a villain, and the villain in all these cases looks like me. Which isn't a fair situation to be in when I'm just going to my job.)
So, the deal with me and fat is, over the course of a year I lost 22 pounds. I consider it an important achievement in my life, albeit an unfinished one. I bottomed out at 227 pounds when I really should be 215 or less. I dream of writing that NO LONGER OBESE post, but it seems as far in the distance as ever. My career and existence basically revolves around being on the computer, so opportunities to work out are scarce. I compromise by aiming for 1200 calories every day, and it works. Or has worked until now.
Point is, where is fat shaming when I need it?! Why am I being told to stop "punishing" myself for desiring to eat less, be more disciplined and slightly resemble those pouty-lipped hunks the woman I like dreams about? I want to succeed! And I want motivation to remind me that I have a mission that is unfinished. Can't I have that? Or is that a hate crime now? Are sites like My Fitness Pal and SlimKicker and Fitocracy going to be banned under these latest accusations of insensitivity and other thoughtcrimes? I hope not.
Well, this blog post stressed me out. I think a walk is in order.
- I have had crushes on fat girls.
- I want more than anything else to lose weight.
- These two concepts are not mutually exclusive.
OK, so I knew to talk about the current trend of "fat shaming" and "size acceptance" that seems to be on everyone's mind, I would need to open up about me and something I don't like to talk about on the PERMANENT RECORD that is the internet, namely my sexuality. I deal, why can't you?
I desire, need and lust after women of all different sizes and shapes, be they fit or "curvy" or maybe the two extremes. So needless to say, I was delighted to learn through sheer research that Facebook and Pinterest have exploded with some feeds and blogs and whatever they're called showcasing all the different female sizes there are to admire. The links go to external sites, as I would rather not fish for traffic by posting racy pictures all over my blog. Besides, I expect my readers to be able to read a paragraph. /offtopic
And not only are there plenty of solo shots, there are plenty of couples shots, foreplay and afterplay, and shots of men of all different body types too.
Oops, actually, the last six words of that sentence are a lie. Every single one of the men showcases are ripped with six-pack abs and bulging chests and biceps and perfectly sculpted, pouty-lipped faces.
Now I'm confused. I thought this was about accepting all body shapes, of accepting that a person is great despite his body flaws and that those flaws are what makes us all special and incredible and - oh, I see. It's only WOMEN who get to feel loved and admirable no matter what, while men can only feel loved and admirable if they are perfect looking.
On these pages, there is a lot of venom towards skinny girls as well. Why don't we call these models 'minus-size' if these models have to be plus size, they lament in the discussion areas. Yes, I'm also baffled as to why plus implies a bad thing. And I'm troubled to see images of thin models being crossed out and defaced - a mark in the sand, a line one side is daring another side to cross. It's a scene I see constantly in the fight against racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, and all those related quests for equal rights for all. And it never ends well.
(They all have one thing in common - in any good conflict, there has to be a villain, and the villain in all these cases looks like me. Which isn't a fair situation to be in when I'm just going to my job.)
So, the deal with me and fat is, over the course of a year I lost 22 pounds. I consider it an important achievement in my life, albeit an unfinished one. I bottomed out at 227 pounds when I really should be 215 or less. I dream of writing that NO LONGER OBESE post, but it seems as far in the distance as ever. My career and existence basically revolves around being on the computer, so opportunities to work out are scarce. I compromise by aiming for 1200 calories every day, and it works. Or has worked until now.
Point is, where is fat shaming when I need it?! Why am I being told to stop "punishing" myself for desiring to eat less, be more disciplined and slightly resemble those pouty-lipped hunks the woman I like dreams about? I want to succeed! And I want motivation to remind me that I have a mission that is unfinished. Can't I have that? Or is that a hate crime now? Are sites like My Fitness Pal and SlimKicker and Fitocracy going to be banned under these latest accusations of insensitivity and other thoughtcrimes? I hope not.
Well, this blog post stressed me out. I think a walk is in order.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
The new world of education
I hated college and school in general, and I vowed I was done with classrooms the second time I got a degree. But in our social/cloud powered new world order, things change. So as learning new skills has become imperative, I've been looking at options and I'm impressed with most of the choices out there.
The premium online classes are Lynda and Tutsplus, both of whom I've sampled and they're fantastic. I can fondly reminisce about the days of actually reading text to learn all I want, but for most of what is needed in today's business world, you really need to see it in action (especially if just practicing has become an issue, you hit a wall or can't afford the latest and greatest software, on and on).
Then there's Udacity, which has partnered with Georgia Tech to offer a $7000 master's degree (it has recently dropped to $6600!).
Now I know what your knee-jerk reaction is: Yeah, you get what you pay for. Well, I say that rule has issues when applied to education. The best students are the hungriest ones, the ones last to leave the library or the lab, and they tend to be the ones from poor or lower middle class backgrounds who are under dire pressure to succeed from families and peers back home. Programs like these are a godsend to these kids, not to mention struggling adults looking to turn our pointless lives around, who are left behind and held back in favor of rich kids who buy their grades and subsequent offices.
Granted it's not perfect - you have to deal with this creep, for one thing. But I look forward to seeing the graduates and what they actually accomplish out there.
And of course, there are brick and mortar community colleges, and ongoing training at ridiculously overpriced learning centers, and classes at your workspace/hackerspace/coop. Many of these are taught by guys* whose sole purpose is to fluff their resume and impress their bros at the startup office, and they make terrible teachers. And you have to drive there, adding injury to insult. There are exceptions, like the nice guys who taught me PHP and probably others that you know. But largely, talk about getting what you pay for!
Two year and diploma colleges will explode in oncoming years for the economic reasons I listed above. And why not? Do we need our children to study film or liberal arts for four years? I hope it's obvious doctors and engineers are still required to study for 8 years...
What are the best solutions? Are there any?
*And they remain overwhelmingly male for some reason.
The premium online classes are Lynda and Tutsplus, both of whom I've sampled and they're fantastic. I can fondly reminisce about the days of actually reading text to learn all I want, but for most of what is needed in today's business world, you really need to see it in action (especially if just practicing has become an issue, you hit a wall or can't afford the latest and greatest software, on and on).
Then there's Udacity, which has partnered with Georgia Tech to offer a $7000 master's degree (it has recently dropped to $6600!).
And the report card on Udacity is not good. Not good at all. Probably better to try edX instead.
Now I know what your knee-jerk reaction is: Yeah, you get what you pay for. Well, I say that rule has issues when applied to education. The best students are the hungriest ones, the ones last to leave the library or the lab, and they tend to be the ones from poor or lower middle class backgrounds who are under dire pressure to succeed from families and peers back home. Programs like these are a godsend to these kids, not to mention struggling adults looking to turn our pointless lives around, who are left behind and held back in favor of rich kids who buy their grades and subsequent offices.
Granted it's not perfect - you have to deal with this creep, for one thing. But I look forward to seeing the graduates and what they actually accomplish out there.
And of course, there are brick and mortar community colleges, and ongoing training at ridiculously overpriced learning centers, and classes at your workspace/hackerspace/coop. Many of these are taught by guys* whose sole purpose is to fluff their resume and impress their bros at the startup office, and they make terrible teachers. And you have to drive there, adding injury to insult. There are exceptions, like the nice guys who taught me PHP and probably others that you know. But largely, talk about getting what you pay for!
Two year and diploma colleges will explode in oncoming years for the economic reasons I listed above. And why not? Do we need our children to study film or liberal arts for four years? I hope it's obvious doctors and engineers are still required to study for 8 years...
What are the best solutions? Are there any?
*And they remain overwhelmingly male for some reason.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Career Crossroads
Here the most important post I've written yet. There are no keywords because it's kind of a letter to myself, not in the form of a lover addressing a lover or a parent addressing a child - more a boss admonishing an employee. It's a warning to myself.
I'm trying to figure out what I'm really good at and what I what I want to be. Mainly this has to do with one's career, how you make a living, how you pay your rent and how you attract a mate, but a lot of it has to do with something I feel is a central question in life:
Who do you want to be? How do you want people to remember you when it's all over?
So what are my choices? Here is my real resume, with no buzzwords and no expectations of a manager of anything considering me for a job or gig at all. Here is what I'm good at:
1. Developer
2. Post Production Professional
3. Musician
4. Writer
5. Artist
So let's break this down one at a time:
* Developer
This is the job everyone insists on telling me, this is what you have to do, this is how you're going to make money and prove to your family and woman that you're a man. It's the new doctor/lawyer. And indeed, it does appear to be the only way a guy like me could make anything resembling a nice living, almost to the point of being rich (in my world, $40 per hour is rich. That's a low level paycheck.)
But my issue is, I am feeling no passion for it. Sometimes when I create something like my "walking dude" on my homepage, I get a rush of adrenalin, but overall, to quote my hero Frank Zappa, I'm only in it for the money. Perhaps headhunters and hiring managers and that ilk smell it on me. Perhaps that's why it's tough for me to get a job, when I live in an area that has a wealth of open JavaScript jobs and UX jobs and all that good stuff, and I get passed over time and time again.
What does that leave?
* Post Production Professional
I've done this. I love it, and people tell me I am great at it. There are some problems - like the fact that directors such as the Coen Brothers do it themselves - and all the jobs, like writing, are on the other side of the continent. These are still not excuses when again, I live in the other big city in the world with a huge market for editors and audio/motion graphics professionals.
* Musician
Well, my rockstar days are long behind me - not that that's a bad thing. And there seems to be people who make a pretty good living doing the kind of music that I love and have some aptitude for playing.
Or I'd like to think I have aptitude, that is. That's until I record myself on CD and play it back in my car, and I'm disappointed. To put it mildly. I'm sure everyone who's listening to my CD in cafes, restaurants and places where weddings are planned feels the same way.
* Writer
Again, not the loser job it's been made out to be by a long shot, but again, the worst of the worst for me. My work is dreadful, or at least it looks that way to me. People who know better and have no call to lie to me have had very kind things to say about it.
* Artist
Love it. Terrible at it. Bla bla bla, you get the picture.
So what are the issues that need to be addressed here? This is not a light issue, this is life and death.
Confidence
I have to know, deep in my heart, that I am awesome at something because the only way anyone will ever pay me to do it. And the only way I ever get the paycheck, if freelancing has taught me one thing.
I have known forever I need to focus on one thing, which means sacrificing the other things I love.
My compromise is having a 9-to-5 job, and a weekend job, obviously for creative and "Passion" work. So the above first two choices are the 9-to-5 then the last three are obviously the creative choices.
But that still leaves me with only two of these that I must focus on all costs. And it's hard to say goodbye.
Some of you will say, "But Mario, it's important to explore and weigh your choices and explore life and.."
Bullshit.
Those days are over. At a certain age you have to make hard choices and you have to focus on the future, especially when you now have measurably less future than past. Not to be morbid about it or anything.
I'm trying to figure out what I'm really good at and what I what I want to be. Mainly this has to do with one's career, how you make a living, how you pay your rent and how you attract a mate, but a lot of it has to do with something I feel is a central question in life:
Who do you want to be? How do you want people to remember you when it's all over?
So what are my choices? Here is my real resume, with no buzzwords and no expectations of a manager of anything considering me for a job or gig at all. Here is what I'm good at:
1. Developer
2. Post Production Professional
3. Musician
4. Writer
5. Artist
So let's break this down one at a time:
* Developer
This is the job everyone insists on telling me, this is what you have to do, this is how you're going to make money and prove to your family and woman that you're a man. It's the new doctor/lawyer. And indeed, it does appear to be the only way a guy like me could make anything resembling a nice living, almost to the point of being rich (in my world, $40 per hour is rich. That's a low level paycheck.)
But my issue is, I am feeling no passion for it. Sometimes when I create something like my "walking dude" on my homepage, I get a rush of adrenalin, but overall, to quote my hero Frank Zappa, I'm only in it for the money. Perhaps headhunters and hiring managers and that ilk smell it on me. Perhaps that's why it's tough for me to get a job, when I live in an area that has a wealth of open JavaScript jobs and UX jobs and all that good stuff, and I get passed over time and time again.
What does that leave?
* Post Production Professional
I've done this. I love it, and people tell me I am great at it. There are some problems - like the fact that directors such as the Coen Brothers do it themselves - and all the jobs, like writing, are on the other side of the continent. These are still not excuses when again, I live in the other big city in the world with a huge market for editors and audio/motion graphics professionals.
* Musician
Well, my rockstar days are long behind me - not that that's a bad thing. And there seems to be people who make a pretty good living doing the kind of music that I love and have some aptitude for playing.
Or I'd like to think I have aptitude, that is. That's until I record myself on CD and play it back in my car, and I'm disappointed. To put it mildly. I'm sure everyone who's listening to my CD in cafes, restaurants and places where weddings are planned feels the same way.
* Writer
Again, not the loser job it's been made out to be by a long shot, but again, the worst of the worst for me. My work is dreadful, or at least it looks that way to me. People who know better and have no call to lie to me have had very kind things to say about it.
* Artist
Love it. Terrible at it. Bla bla bla, you get the picture.
So what are the issues that need to be addressed here? This is not a light issue, this is life and death.
Confidence
I have to know, deep in my heart, that I am awesome at something because the only way anyone will ever pay me to do it. And the only way I ever get the paycheck, if freelancing has taught me one thing.
I have known forever I need to focus on one thing, which means sacrificing the other things I love.
My compromise is having a 9-to-5 job, and a weekend job, obviously for creative and "Passion" work. So the above first two choices are the 9-to-5 then the last three are obviously the creative choices.
But that still leaves me with only two of these that I must focus on all costs. And it's hard to say goodbye.
Some of you will say, "But Mario, it's important to explore and weigh your choices and explore life and.."
Bullshit.
Those days are over. At a certain age you have to make hard choices and you have to focus on the future, especially when you now have measurably less future than past. Not to be morbid about it or anything.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The Six Types Of Failed Screenwriters
(Formerly known as Deleted For Controversial Material, the post is back because fuck you :p I'm surprised I still have it...)
AUTOBIOGRAPHIST
Has one script, usually a "urban" drama / crime drama or similar inner city potboiler. Loves it like a mother, e.g. won't stop talking about it, and won't do anything to change it no matter how many ways and in how much detail you explain how awful it is.
CLOSET BIGOT
Let's be clear here: this writer is NOT a racist, sexist, homophobe or xenophobe. The CHARACTERS are. Trouble is, that includes the hero.
LAZY NOVELIST
Turning your beat sheet into a novel is always a much better idea than writing another screenplay. You take complete control of your vision, in the form of a tome you can publish online, today, for the world to endure. Trouble is, it takes forever, and your sale will be roughly, if you really advertise, about $8. Plus you have to know what dangling participles are, how to use adverbs, where to put punctuation, and other things that won't get you meetings in LA.
So the Lazy Novelist drifts in the netherworld, cranking out 160 page specs with the act 2 break on p 34, packed with thick direction blocks, clumsy formatting and soliloquys on every other page. Concise premise? Likable characters? That's for those hacks in Hollywood the Lazy Novelist never got to be.
Which brings us to the...
OUTSIDER
Extremely disciplined, fervent student of structure and characterization, and a true movie fan. S/he also studies the business, and follows sales and trades and the inside scoops and lingo…from her/his house in Wisconsin. Or South Dakota. S/he would go indie and film the script on a shoestring, but s/he's really busy with work, kids, sick parents, things like that.
Probably knows the…
CONTESTANT
Is really excited that s/he won the Tuscaloosa Film Festival script contest. S/he also "placed" or was a quarterfinalist on any other number of other contests where the requirements to place basically involve your script not being written in crayon. There are only two contests in the world where Third Place means anything at all (barely): The Olympics, and Nicholls. And no agents or producers in Hollywood ever ask you what contests you placed in. The Contestant's specs are proof why.
ONLINE BLOWHARD
Hey! This isn't funny anymore! :p
AUTOBIOGRAPHIST
Has one script, usually a "urban" drama / crime drama or similar inner city potboiler. Loves it like a mother, e.g. won't stop talking about it, and won't do anything to change it no matter how many ways and in how much detail you explain how awful it is.
CLOSET BIGOT
Let's be clear here: this writer is NOT a racist, sexist, homophobe or xenophobe. The CHARACTERS are. Trouble is, that includes the hero.
LAZY NOVELIST
Turning your beat sheet into a novel is always a much better idea than writing another screenplay. You take complete control of your vision, in the form of a tome you can publish online, today, for the world to endure. Trouble is, it takes forever, and your sale will be roughly, if you really advertise, about $8. Plus you have to know what dangling participles are, how to use adverbs, where to put punctuation, and other things that won't get you meetings in LA.
So the Lazy Novelist drifts in the netherworld, cranking out 160 page specs with the act 2 break on p 34, packed with thick direction blocks, clumsy formatting and soliloquys on every other page. Concise premise? Likable characters? That's for those hacks in Hollywood the Lazy Novelist never got to be.
Which brings us to the...
OUTSIDER
Extremely disciplined, fervent student of structure and characterization, and a true movie fan. S/he also studies the business, and follows sales and trades and the inside scoops and lingo…from her/his house in Wisconsin. Or South Dakota. S/he would go indie and film the script on a shoestring, but s/he's really busy with work, kids, sick parents, things like that.
Probably knows the…
CONTESTANT
Is really excited that s/he won the Tuscaloosa Film Festival script contest. S/he also "placed" or was a quarterfinalist on any other number of other contests where the requirements to place basically involve your script not being written in crayon. There are only two contests in the world where Third Place means anything at all (barely): The Olympics, and Nicholls. And no agents or producers in Hollywood ever ask you what contests you placed in. The Contestant's specs are proof why.
ONLINE BLOWHARD
Hey! This isn't funny anymore! :p
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Turner Classic Film Fest '011 (and, how to survive travel to LA)
I'm doing this entry as a sort of traveler's companion, because, you know, everyone's doing that now. And because maybe I can offer advice to you East Coasters who may be needing to make a pilgrimage to LA for the first time - by learning from my painful ordeal.
But let's talk about the Festival. Cannot fault the movies at all. What is there to criticize about Citizen Kane and Taxi Driver restored on the classic Grauman's Chinese Theater? Not to mention La Dolce Vita in the cheesy Mann's multiplex with Grauman-esque "Chinese font" decor everywhere? Absolutely nothing. I was unable to attend Roger Corman's Q and A for Little Shop Of Horrors because I arrived late, e.g. less than four hours to get from LAX to my motel in Van Nuys and then Hollywood on a Friday afternoon. This scared me off of seeing Fantasia on Sunday, assuming it would run too late, and of course traffic isn't nearly that bad then. But I was told that it would be. Thanks a lot, cute girl from San Francisco! That would have been a special experience, no doubt.
The seminar by Kevin Brownlow would have been interesting, but admission required a $225 MINIMUM pass - these passes give you priority admission to all shows and to special speakers and seminars. And I did try to see Cabin In The Sky, but the disorganization of the festival was apparent at this point. The very simple act of selling tickets to a movie is apparently confusing to some of these volunteers (NOT all - the staff at the Citizen Kane screening were great). I particularly liked how we were ordered at one point to reverse the line we were standing in. You read that correctly. At least they were polite, with the exception of one guy in the multiplex - fine, must have been a long night. The opening night concert by Vince Giordano was cute, but better accompanied by a date equally schooled in swing dance...
Basically, I can't make a recommendation one way or the other. There's lots of good to this festival and a whole lotta bad. The Boulevard is a horrible gaudy money sucking tourist trap, like Times Square on crack (as were many of the people wandering around). But the show itself is delightful. I don't know, check your wallet and your sincere love for the movie greats, and try it!
Speaking of checking your wallets, here's where I offer my experiences of coast to coast travel:
First, you gotta get to the airport. This is sort of self-aggrandizing, but I work with a website called www.airportparkingreservations.com, where you can save a bundle on parking at any major airport. If you're suburban like me and you need to take the train to the city, be advised I am not aware of any discounts for commuter parking and it's a ripoff long term. Best to call a cab (but account for LOTS of time for them to arrive). As for packing, if you're bringing electronic devices, bring a charger, dummy. (Oh, I can't be the only one that's happened to.) And bring warm clothes for the night - no, I didn't know about that.
Make sure your case is big enough to carry on board! If you don't know, keep a satchel for your important papers, or you'll look like a loser carrying your stuff in your hands. Speaking of which, don't put your boarding pass in that bin they push through the scanner - that annoys the security guards. (Maybe recent developments will allow TSA to loosen up a little? Maybe?) If you have to fly coach, fly coach. Just not redeye. My Airtran midnight flight back was sheer torture - I mean, do they design those seats to be uncomfortable because they hate the "cheapskates" in the back rows? The bathroom was filthy and the attendants hung out in the back chatting LOUDLY as I was clearly rolled up trying to SLEEP, after ignoring my request for water and NOT pretzels. BUT, the Airtran connector out of Milwaukee was a "business coach" flight - the seating was comfortable and the staff seemed together enough. Could this have to do with when the flight was taking off? Some customers are more valued than others?
And when staying in LA, don't get the cheap room. (That would be $50 a night.) As I type this, I'm still getting over a hard cough I picked up from what must be a hot sheets hotel - the kind where they don't change your towels or discolored sheets until you check out. This was in Van Nuys - if you want to party in Hollywood and take a cab you'll get robbed. Point is, spend $75 and get a clean room with service on the same planet as where you're going to be. LA is HUGE, and you do need a rental car. Simple enough - I paid $30 for the entire weekend via Hotwire and got a beautiful Nissan with amazing gas mileage, which again, you need.
There's lots of great food in LA - a real foodie paradise. My favorite breakfast was at the Farmer's Market, where I managed to arouse my burned out spirits with fruit smoothies and a croissant. But if you like to eat it they got it (but get your parking validated!!!), including an outrageously cool hot sauce joint called Light My Fire. Friend them on Facebook! Last time I was in LA I ate at the Pantry downtown which is more of a traditional "greasy spoon" diner, but the French toast was heavenly. There's also a wonderful donut shop in Westwood. I didn't get a chance to try Roscoe's which I hear is good.
After breakfast there's Filipino and Mexican joints around Vermont and Sunset, Thai places everywhere, and the legendary In 'N Out. I've been accused of having an immature sense of humor, but come on - am I the only person giggling over the fact that a bunch of Christian conservatives opened a burger joint and called it In 'N Out? Anyway, they took the proselytizing and scripture off the burger wrappers and stuff, and their "double trouble" - er, sorry, Double-Double is a messy monstrosity and I loved it. And the service is shockingly good - a kid standing outside taking orders instead of a vast touchscreen? That is exemplary service. Maybe these kids when the they graduate should consider careers in the travel industry. Just a thought.
Westwood and Little Ethiopia are full of cute little snack shops, and Venice is the place to go for organic tea shops and pretentious snacks. Again, I couldn't find Two Boots on time (did I mention how big LA is?)
I'd like to provide a safety warning - my last meal there almost killed me. Literally. ETA This was four days ago - I STILL have cramping and am very sick (I don't want to draw a picture...let's see, "When you're sliding into third, and you gotta squeeze a - ") Plus I had a fever, which could be attributed to the hotel room or sleep deprivation too. This would be painful at home, but combined with the rigors of traveling for 17 hours? That is a nightmare, and if it happens to you call 213-240-7821 and file a complaint. We are trying to pinpoint the exact location of where it happened at this time.
Sorry about the downbeat ending - that's just what happened to me. LA is an extreme place - the richest power players, the most dangerous neighborhoods, the wildest night life and the most diverse low culture. Whatever your indulgence is, it will do more than feed it, it will jam it into your face until you yell "basta"! If you can handle it, have a good time!
But let's talk about the Festival. Cannot fault the movies at all. What is there to criticize about Citizen Kane and Taxi Driver restored on the classic Grauman's Chinese Theater? Not to mention La Dolce Vita in the cheesy Mann's multiplex with Grauman-esque "Chinese font" decor everywhere? Absolutely nothing. I was unable to attend Roger Corman's Q and A for Little Shop Of Horrors because I arrived late, e.g. less than four hours to get from LAX to my motel in Van Nuys and then Hollywood on a Friday afternoon. This scared me off of seeing Fantasia on Sunday, assuming it would run too late, and of course traffic isn't nearly that bad then. But I was told that it would be. Thanks a lot, cute girl from San Francisco! That would have been a special experience, no doubt.
The seminar by Kevin Brownlow would have been interesting, but admission required a $225 MINIMUM pass - these passes give you priority admission to all shows and to special speakers and seminars. And I did try to see Cabin In The Sky, but the disorganization of the festival was apparent at this point. The very simple act of selling tickets to a movie is apparently confusing to some of these volunteers (NOT all - the staff at the Citizen Kane screening were great). I particularly liked how we were ordered at one point to reverse the line we were standing in. You read that correctly. At least they were polite, with the exception of one guy in the multiplex - fine, must have been a long night. The opening night concert by Vince Giordano was cute, but better accompanied by a date equally schooled in swing dance...
Basically, I can't make a recommendation one way or the other. There's lots of good to this festival and a whole lotta bad. The Boulevard is a horrible gaudy money sucking tourist trap, like Times Square on crack (as were many of the people wandering around). But the show itself is delightful. I don't know, check your wallet and your sincere love for the movie greats, and try it!
Speaking of checking your wallets, here's where I offer my experiences of coast to coast travel:
First, you gotta get to the airport. This is sort of self-aggrandizing, but I work with a website called www.airportparkingreservations.com, where you can save a bundle on parking at any major airport. If you're suburban like me and you need to take the train to the city, be advised I am not aware of any discounts for commuter parking and it's a ripoff long term. Best to call a cab (but account for LOTS of time for them to arrive). As for packing, if you're bringing electronic devices, bring a charger, dummy. (Oh, I can't be the only one that's happened to.) And bring warm clothes for the night - no, I didn't know about that.
Make sure your case is big enough to carry on board! If you don't know, keep a satchel for your important papers, or you'll look like a loser carrying your stuff in your hands. Speaking of which, don't put your boarding pass in that bin they push through the scanner - that annoys the security guards. (Maybe recent developments will allow TSA to loosen up a little? Maybe?) If you have to fly coach, fly coach. Just not redeye. My Airtran midnight flight back was sheer torture - I mean, do they design those seats to be uncomfortable because they hate the "cheapskates" in the back rows? The bathroom was filthy and the attendants hung out in the back chatting LOUDLY as I was clearly rolled up trying to SLEEP, after ignoring my request for water and NOT pretzels. BUT, the Airtran connector out of Milwaukee was a "business coach" flight - the seating was comfortable and the staff seemed together enough. Could this have to do with when the flight was taking off? Some customers are more valued than others?
And when staying in LA, don't get the cheap room. (That would be $50 a night.) As I type this, I'm still getting over a hard cough I picked up from what must be a hot sheets hotel - the kind where they don't change your towels or discolored sheets until you check out. This was in Van Nuys - if you want to party in Hollywood and take a cab you'll get robbed. Point is, spend $75 and get a clean room with service on the same planet as where you're going to be. LA is HUGE, and you do need a rental car. Simple enough - I paid $30 for the entire weekend via Hotwire and got a beautiful Nissan with amazing gas mileage, which again, you need.
There's lots of great food in LA - a real foodie paradise. My favorite breakfast was at the Farmer's Market, where I managed to arouse my burned out spirits with fruit smoothies and a croissant. But if you like to eat it they got it (but get your parking validated!!!), including an outrageously cool hot sauce joint called Light My Fire. Friend them on Facebook! Last time I was in LA I ate at the Pantry downtown which is more of a traditional "greasy spoon" diner, but the French toast was heavenly. There's also a wonderful donut shop in Westwood. I didn't get a chance to try Roscoe's which I hear is good.
After breakfast there's Filipino and Mexican joints around Vermont and Sunset, Thai places everywhere, and the legendary In 'N Out. I've been accused of having an immature sense of humor, but come on - am I the only person giggling over the fact that a bunch of Christian conservatives opened a burger joint and called it In 'N Out? Anyway, they took the proselytizing and scripture off the burger wrappers and stuff, and their "double trouble" - er, sorry, Double-Double is a messy monstrosity and I loved it. And the service is shockingly good - a kid standing outside taking orders instead of a vast touchscreen? That is exemplary service. Maybe these kids when the they graduate should consider careers in the travel industry. Just a thought.
Westwood and Little Ethiopia are full of cute little snack shops, and Venice is the place to go for organic tea shops and pretentious snacks. Again, I couldn't find Two Boots on time (did I mention how big LA is?)
I'd like to provide a safety warning - my last meal there almost killed me. Literally. ETA This was four days ago - I STILL have cramping and am very sick (I don't want to draw a picture...let's see, "When you're sliding into third, and you gotta squeeze a - ") Plus I had a fever, which could be attributed to the hotel room or sleep deprivation too. This would be painful at home, but combined with the rigors of traveling for 17 hours? That is a nightmare, and if it happens to you call 213-240-7821 and file a complaint. We are trying to pinpoint the exact location of where it happened at this time.
Sorry about the downbeat ending - that's just what happened to me. LA is an extreme place - the richest power players, the most dangerous neighborhoods, the wildest night life and the most diverse low culture. Whatever your indulgence is, it will do more than feed it, it will jam it into your face until you yell "basta"! If you can handle it, have a good time!
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